Emotionally Drained.

Forgive me if I am very down in my blog tonight. I’m in a mental mess at the moment and it’s had to keep up the outward act. Head thoughts and heart thoughts in total conflict with each other and heart thoughts are winning which is never a good thing.

Head Thoughts:

  • I am a good mum. My children are polite, well-behaved, intelligent, bright and loving.
  • I expect them to be different with other people than they are with me.
  • I have a wonderful family who love me.
  • I am a survivor and will get through this latest phase of boundary pushing – especially from Jack.

Heart Thoughts

  • My children are polite, loving and well behaved for seemingly everyone else except  me! Yes I know all the head thought things that it is better to be that way around but just for once why can’t they do it for me!? 😥 Why can’t they spend one day where there is no whinging, fighting (physical and verbal), screaming, arguing, ignoring and all the rest of it.
  • I am a rubbish mother I snap at the children far too easily. I can’t hold onto it when they push the wrong button too many times. I then start beating myself up about it because I am the adult in the relationship. I should be leading by example. I should be showing them how to remain calm and behave but how on earth can I expect them to when I shout at them. I listen to Alex berating her brothers and it sounds vile but the words she uses are the same she hers from me and that saddens me so much and I resolve not to do it but then I fail miserably. 😦
  • I’m not coping full stop at the minute. In danger of cob-webbing so I stop almost everything. Just as some things need me to not be stopping. There are huge changes underway with the babywipes collection and I can’t do anything to help with it at the moment. I am reading the new comments but I am not taking it in. I know the rest of the team will understand but I still feel useless. I am also gutted that it is finishing at the end of the year. It has helped boost me so much this last twelve months and maybe that is partly why I am shying away from the current changes. I knew it would happen at some point but gutted it is finally happening. It’s not just the baby wipes thing but everything seems to be overwhelming me again.
  • I’m utterly useless as a wife. I hate housework at the best of times but am really rubbish at it at the moment. I can’t keep my husband happy in any way and I can’t change that. Too ingrained! I try but then history rears its ugly head and I retreat  again!
  • I’m a useless friend. I’m in danger of losing a friendship at the moment. I’ve tried talking about it but at what point do you say “enough” and at what point do you say “I will keep trying”. I don’t want to lose this friend. They have been there through lots with me and have helped me but I can’t keep getting angry with them. Do I shut up and put up or do I say enough. 😥 And before anyone says it  I have tried talking to them.

I’m not looking for people to tell me that it’s okay; that I’ll get through the other side; that my children are wonderful and I’m a good mum with a wonderful family. My head tells me those thoughts but, as I said my heart thoughts are winning.

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