Today the news has been full of some tragic stories. The Boston Marathon Bombings which resulted in the senseless loss of three lives including an 8 year old boy, a heavily pregnant mother who was found at the bottom of a multi-storey car park and her three young children dead at home, earthquakes and coach crashes. Awful, awful news that makes you want to cry. To go and wake your sleeping babies and give them a hug, tell them you love them with an intensity that hurts so much and hug them some more.
If you have read my previous blog entries – https://mummymultitasker.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/the-polygraph/ – you will know that I detest the trolls that emerge at times like this. The photos of “victims” that are totally unrelated and shared like wildfire. Share the truth damnit! Pop over to Snopes or another hoax buster before blindly sharing. But that isn’t my reason for blogging today – I’ve already covered that.
Today I am blogging because it scares me. The thought that I might never be able to hug my children again. The thought that, in an instant, they might be taken away from me and I never get the chance to see them grow up.
I have two friends on Facebook – one a cyber one and one I have had the honour of meeting. Both have experienced the loss of a child. One following a long battle against illness; the other lost her son and two grandchildren in heinous homicidal circumstances – overnight – gone! One of these grandchildren shares a birthday with my Benjamin and I feel guilty celebrating his birthday when my friend is reminded again of her loss. With both of them I cannot even begin to imagine what they have been through and continue to go through.
I look at every situation when I am out with my children. The lamp-post or tree that is moving in the wind – both have been known to cause death of a child; the torrential rainstorm as I am driving along the motorway; the slight crack in the wall – waiting for that part of the house to collapse; finding danger in everything I see when I take them out.
I know that I ‘shouldn’t’ think like this because I will drive myself even more insane but having been on the end of an instantaneous life changing experience I know that it can and does happen.
Before you start telling me to stop thinking like this – it won’t work. I’ve tried and I manage to dampen them and know how to think them but not allow them to affect my day to day life. I haven’t stopped going out, I still drive along the motorway, I still do all the things I have always done with the children.
Surely I am not the only mum who does this? Am I the only insane person out there or do other people secretly do this?