In the next few weeks I will be going back over my early years past to try and deal with the growing anger at what was done to me from 7 years old and it is something I am not looking forward to at all. It will involve revisiting the situations I was manipulated into and then trying to put in place strategies to deal with nightmares, flashbacks and all the rest of the side effects caused by the whole sorry, hateful affair.
It’s been a tough 5 sessions of assessment to work out the best route to deal with it all and, apparently, I am a bit of a complex case. This makes me smile inside – I never did like to be simple! What it did do though was throw up some good and bad points. It made my counsellor and I realise that, although I thought I had dealt with it all I had only actually dealt with the guilt factor. This allowed a huge emotional vacuum to be created that has slowly and surely been filled with that other very strong emotion – anger. It has been like a pressure cooker which has been slowly building the pressure but now the steam is causing it to overflow into daily life. I struggle to stay calm in situations that I used to be able to deal with easily and this is affecting my extremely low self-esteem which makes me angrier and – well you see the vicious circle forming?
The options available to me were to just have CBT (strategy building), PTSD work or disassociation work.. The young lady who has been ever so lovely in dragging information out of me has suggested going down the PTSD route which will then, hopefully, lead into dealing with the rest of it. Keep your fingers crossed it does because I don’t want to make this journey back into the dark for absolutely no reason. :S
On the plus side I have found some motivation to get my old toyshop business back online with a view to clearing the stock. I have made a concerted effort to clear space in my house. I started it yesterday and have had success in setting up a Facebook page and getting all the product photos on it in 24 hours. This may not sound like a big deal but it is like everything else going on in my head – stuck in procrastination so actually getting it “down on paper” as it were is a huge success in my life at the moment. Maybe the tiny successes that may come from that will help my battered self-confidence and be a boost to keeping me going instead of cycling down into the darkness and melancholy that has haunted me recently.