About this time last year my body chemicals were telling me we were expecting our fourth baby.
About this time last year my body was telling me I wasn’t.
I didn’t allow myself to connect with what was supposed to be growing inside me. I gave it a name – Zippy – but I didn’t allow myself to believe.
I went for my booking in appointment with the midwife and told her that I didn’t feel pregnant and whilst I knew every pregnancy was different I just felt empty. She sent me for a scan the next day. Friday 13th December.
My fears were right – I had lost about this date. 4 days later I went into hospital for the necessary operation and that was it.
Maybe it was because I “knew”. Maybe it was because I didn’t allow myself to become attached. Maybe it was because I was in full control of everything this time – I don’t know but I felt empty. No loss, no mourning, no feeling – just emptiness.
Nothing until this week. About the same time I discovered that the baby wipe collection was ending for definite. I don’t know if it was the news of this and the downer this brought about but I have really started to plummet.
I haven’t felt loss though. I am not mourning. I am empty from these feelings but I am full of guilt that I don’t feel how I do with Beannie. I feel guilty that I am empty, that I haven’t mourned.
I hate feelings!! They screw you over!