Empty Inside.

About this time last year my body chemicals were telling me we were expecting our fourth baby.

About this time last year my body was telling me I wasn’t.

I didn’t allow myself to connect with what was supposed to be growing inside me. I gave it a name – Zippy – but I didn’t allow myself to believe.

I went for my booking in appointment with the midwife and told her that I didn’t feel pregnant and whilst I knew every pregnancy was different I just felt empty. She sent me for a scan the next day. Friday 13th December.

My fears were right – I had lost about this date. 4 days later I went into hospital for the necessary operation and that was it.

Maybe it was because I “knew”. Maybe it was because I didn’t allow myself to become attached. Maybe it was because I was in full control of everything this time – I don’t know but I felt empty. No loss, no mourning, no feeling – just emptiness.

Nothing until this week. About the same time I discovered that the baby wipe collection was ending for definite. I don’t know if it was the news of this and the downer this brought about but I have really started to plummet.

I haven’t felt loss though. I am not mourning. I am empty from these feelings but I am full of guilt that I don’t feel how I do with Beannie. I feel guilty that I am empty, that I haven’t mourned.

I hate feelings!! They screw you over!

2 thoughts on “Empty Inside.

  1. I also had a number of strong feelings after I lost my daughter. Emotions are not fun to deal with sometimes. Perhaps that empty feeling is the way that you are mourning. It looks different for everyone.

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