Originally posted 23/03/16
This year I am extremely confused in my head.
I am celebrating a new life. One I was convinced during my perinatal depression that I was going to lose. One that I was convinced I had lost as I went under for my general anaesthetic.
Every night, when F wakes and starts grizzling for a feed I am grateful that I haven’t lost him and I treasure those intimate moments of just him, me and a night time feed and snuggle.
The emotions racing around my head just from his arrival are to be expected but throw into the mix as it is coming up to the anniversary of my losing my Beannie – my first miscarriage – April 1st 2001 and my head is a multitude of conflicting thoughts.
I am struggling not to do my usual March disintegration in readiness for Beannie’s anniversary because it feels wrong somehow to be mourning when I am now blessed with F however I know I am allowed to honour Beannie and all that he may have been. I know I am allowed to think of him and be saddened by the loss of not having him.
So confused in my head right now trying to balance out these conflictions in my head.
Struggling. Want to cry but feel I shouldn’t.