Out Of Control

Originally Posted 11/03/16

I am not a control freak. I am not one of those sort of people who has to hold the reins to everything and always get my own way. I am not someone who strops in the corner if things don’t work out how I expected them to.

I am, however, the sort of person who needs a modicum of control in my mind.

My mind is like a collection of huge inflatable balloons – like the man sells on the high street at astronomical prices – and those balloons are normally under my control and all pulling in the same direction. They are trained to all go the same way and pull me on. When I lose that control though they start pulling and tugging in all directions and I am emotionally wrenched and torn into so many small pieces it feels like they will never go back together again,

When I got hit by my perinatal depression I lost all control and it was so very scary! Not only was my mind-world plunged into a grey, muddy fog but those balloons were being directed by a hurricane!

At one point it got so bad that I sent my husband a message stating that I was so out of control and I couldn’t stop crying. Two minutes later I sent him another message simply saying “I need you. Help me.” This was the first time ever I had asked him to drop everything and come and save me from the abyss. He has always been there for me but by his own understanding of my condition rather than me begging for help.

Ten minutes after I sent that message I had a midwife come and ask me why I was crying! Well if I knew that I am sure I would have been able to deal with it! Another confirmation that I was rapidly losing all control so well done that midwife for making me feel worse!

And how could I have kept some control? I know, from previous experience, that if I have things explained to me so I understand them I can keep hold of the balloon strings and keep them trained in one direction. Knowledge and/or understanding can create a clarity in the mind, can create some space to move and regroup. It may create another million questions but they are generally more pertinent than the ones my unclear mind imagines!

To any medical staff who may read this…I don’t suggest going into full-on medical terminology but a general explanation. As I went under the general anaesthetic I remember hearing my one rock of a midwife telling the delivery team to talk to me and explain to me what was happening or I would freak. She understood. I just wish more people I had contact with had.

Why am I crying? When you work it out please tell me as sometimes I have absolutely no idea.

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