Self-Confidence

Originally posted 17/03/16

Today I discovered a new side effect to my recent perinatal depression and I don’t like the discovery. I no longer trust the medical profession to believe me if I have a concern! I no longer have faith that they will not see me as one of “those” mothers. You know? The neurotic ones who call up about any tiny little thing that may descend upon their beloved new baby.

I prided myself on not being one of them. I tended not to take the children for all little ailments and normally only took them when someone else gave me reason to be concerned….like when J wasn’t smiling at 9 weeks old and I mentioned it in passing to the Health Visitor and then we suddenly found ourselves escalated through nurses and doctors up to a Consultant berating me for “being the first mother to ever bring their child to him because he wasn’t smiling!” I hadn’t! I had been sent to him by the GP “just in case”, I had been sent to the GP by the nurse “just in case” and the nurse had mentioned it because the Health visitor had told her that it might be an issue! I learnt my lesson and only took my children if they were really poorly.

Today is a new scenario though. F has been unsettled all day, extremely clingy and not wanting to be on his own for more than a few minutes at a time. If he fell asleep after I fed him he would wake up within about ten minutes of being laid down in his pram only to be whimpery and unhappy until I fed him again which was usually less than half an hour after his previous feed and the whole cycle would start again.

This has left me exhausted, confused and, for the first time since his birth only five weeks ago, totally unsure of what to do.

One thing I do know though is that I feel I can’t take him to the GP in case they shoot me down in flames somehow, in case they ignore my worries and negate my feelings. In case they hammer another nail in the coffin of my self-confidence as a mother.

The thing is I am not sure if he is ill or not. He isn’t presenting any symptoms in any outward way, he has no runny nose, no temperature, no sticky eyes, his nappies are wet – probably more so than usual, and he has had a dirt nappy as well but…… and this is where I am unsure……I am in the process of recovering from some sort of virus which left me with awfully painful glands in my neck and a really bad sore throat.

Is F suffering the same thing as I have had and is that why he is constantly looking for fluids or am I looking for something that isn’t there? I simply don’t know but I am too scared – and yes that is

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