Words – What Doesn’t Help.

Originally Posted 24/03/16

In my own experience there are several things that are said that really don’t help – no matter how well meaning the person saying them is trying to be – and they can often have the opposite effect of what was intended. Here are a few that stick out for me.

I always think that whatever will be will be and you can’t change it so what’s the point in worrying?

This was said to me when I was spiralling out of control during my perinatal crisis just before F’s birth. It basically invalidated every single one of my fears, made me feel that the person saying it thought I was being neurotic and it made me angry because I felt dismissed. When I was in labour it came back to haunt me. Just before the midwives discovered F was bradycardic I “gave up”. I believed that I was going to lose him and there was nothing I could do to change it so what was the point in pushing, in listening to instructions. Thankfully you can change things – I am proof of that. My constant repeating of my fears about being sent home before the labour made sure I was where F could be helped and saved. That worry changed what might have been.

You are just having an off day.

Every day to me feels like an off day. Every day feels like I am walking through sludge to get to the other side and some days it feels like the sludge is up to my neck. Those are the days when the black dog is positively yanking at his lead dragging me any which way but free. Telling me it is just an off day is like telling someone with flu that they have “just” a cold.

There are other people in the world worse off than you.

Yes, thank you, I know. I know there are millions of people in a worse off condition or standard of living than me but I can’t help them all. I can only deal with me and my mind and sometimes negating me with those “worse off” comments drags me further into the mire making it harder for me to find my way out and adding to ever present feelings of guilt because I am better off than those millions of others but am still sad or depressed.

Look at your wonderful life/family/job. You have no need to be depressed. You should be happy.

I am extremely grateful for my wonderful family, I am very proud of what we have achieved as a small self-employed business and my life now is such an improvement on the abuse and issues of my past however none of these things can push their way to the front when I am feeling overwhelmed by the negative emotions that often run loose around my head. Telling me I shouldn’t feel a certain way not only makes me feel incapable somehow it also adds to that guilt thing again that I am not happy and grateful all the time for what I have.

Snap of of it.

Well that helps – thanks!

What are you crying for?

I was asked this at the start of my hospital admission before F’s birth. I had lost control so quickly and I could feel myself stumbling into the abyss. I knew it was there, gaping, beckoning, pulling me in and I was afraid to go in. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. If I knew what I was crying for I might have actually done something about it and stopped but well done you on making me feel like a petulant child.

Actually – sitting here writing this had made me realise something about that last statement. It has suddenly dawned on me why I was crying. It has suddenly clicked. I am just going to go and process it and will probably blog about it at some point soon.

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