That internal rage which ravages like a violent hurricane battering a coastline. Logic gets beaten into submission, joy gets smashed into the windbreaks, tolerance gets dashed against the cliffs.
Anger destroys. It grows and grows until there is no room for any other emotion. It fills the whole mind with black.
The smallest thing can set it off and it then takes such a long time to quell back down but even then it sits simmering under the horizon just waiting for the next chance to be unleashed.
Anger can be caused by almost anything. Unfairness, injustice, prejudice, bigotry and any “ism” can create the flashes of red mist that permeate the blackness of that anger.
It becomes like an all consuming fire which woe betide you if you get in its way.
Anger is one of the hardest things I find to control. I try so very hard to keep it in check, to keep the proverbial lid on it but sometimes, when I am tired – physically and mentally – I simply can’t do it and you can positively feel the rage from inside.
I have my “flood defences” which I use as often as I can to hold back the storm. I look at pictures of my children when they were so tiny, before they started to back chat, and I remind myself how much I love them (especially if it is them who has caused the latest pulsings of red). I close my eyes and think about when I walked down the aisle and looked into my husband’s eyes and felt his love for me and mine for him. I think about all the good I have done in my life which I believe outweighs the mistakes I have made – and I have made plenty. I try and breathe into calm and serenity but that is so very hard to do.
Anger is the one thing that I simply cannot find an edge to beating. I know it is there constantly waiting and biding its time ready to pounce on the slightest opening and hammer at my defences.
I shout and then I get angry that I couldn’t keep it in check and so starts the vicious circle.
I have so many things to be angry about and I try, I do try so very hard, to think about all the things I have to not be angry about but it takes 4 or 5 of those to keep the crashing waves at bay and I don’t think I have accomplished enough good things to bring that chaos and destruction to gentle lapping waves.
How do I stop it? How do I put the brakes on before I destroy what little sanity it feels that I have left at the moment? 😦