I shared a post on my Facebook wall today with a quote in it. It said “hearing “I’m so proud of you” when you feel like you aren’t doing enough really does lift a lot of weight off you”. I can’t tell you who said it as that wasn’t in the post I shared but it got me thinking.
I tell my children that I am proud of them at every opportunity they give me. I hope that by telling them I am proud of them or that I think they have done a good job that they will grow up with some self belief and be able to accept compliments and praise.
Personally I really struggle with compliments. If someone tells me I am a good Mummy I will always respond with something to put myself down. I get uncomfortable if someone compliments me because I don’t know how I am supposed to respond. I thank them but then will try to change the subject or will throw humour about to defuse the situation.
I don’t believe people. I think there must be some sort of ulterior motive and I can’t simply “accept”. Someone is being nice to me because they want something from me. I am expected to pay in some shape or form.
And I know this is extremely unfair on my friends and family who are nice to me and I feel guilty because I know they are really genuine but I can’t get beyond that uncertainty and discomfort.
I also struggle to say that I have done well with something. Our play group has been running since I started it back in 2008 and it is a cracking little group but I can’t look at it and say “I did this”. There have been other people involved along the way but the only person actively involved in running it through those 9 years (stepping back slightly when my youngest two were born) is me and I should be saying “I did good” but I can’t because it sounds like I am bragging.
I shaved my head for charity and I am proud of that and I was instrumental in setting up the recycling of baby wipe packets which eventually went on to raise over £40,000 for brain tumour research but I can’t then go and say “that final result was down to me” because it looks like I am looking for the compliments and, as I said previously, I am uncomfortable with that so don’t actively go looking for it. It looks like I am saying “yeah – I did it aren’t I wonderful and no-one else was involved at all because I did it so nerr”. Well it probably doesn’t but that is exactly how it sounds in my head.
I want people to tell me they are proud of me, to tell me that I did, do and am doing a good job. I want them to believe in me where I don’t believe in myself but I can’t because I probably wouldn’t believe them anyway!
And once again I am raving like a lunatic and not really making a lot of sense so I shall just go and rock in my safe corner on the sofa.