Facebook Post 11th April 2018
Anxiety, depression and paranoia.
A cruel trio in the mix.
You start to believe that you aren’t good enough, that you won’t be able to cope. You start to hear the voices in your head whispering “that person over there is talking about you” or “you can’t do it”. You try ignoring them, try telling the black dog to get down and leave you alone but they get more organised and you start to believe it.
You do things to help others because it stops the pain for a bit and you do it for approval but when you get it you don’t believe it. You are not good enough.
You start to doubt every single decision you make and you start to second guess yourself. Someone actually says something like “you worry too much” or “you are looking for things that aren’t there” and you start to believe it…
And then the anger starts because emotional control is being eroded away and anger is the strongest of the loose emotions. You lose your grip on the black dog’s lead and it bites and growls and you hurt so badly.
You know, logically, that it is “all in your head” but there is no peace in knowing that. There is no solace and you doubt even more.
You ‘know’ you are supposed to be strong, that people think you are, they tell you but they don’t realise that you are the tiny girl in the corner of your mind cowering away pretending to be ‘fine’.
You tell people you are fine or just tired but the truth is you are EXHAUSTED. Drained from fighting the battle in your head, the battles in your life and you feel inadequate when you are needed the most.
How can I protect my children when I couldn’t protect myself? How can I make it right for them and protect them from my own black dog when they need protecting from others. The mean spirited, the downright evil, the bullies and those who choose to ridicule, the world we have created.
I have to be good enough but I just don’t feel I am capable.