Ok so this is hard for me to write as my self esteem had never been great as many of you know.
That “confident bubbly girl you see” is not the real me. The real me is rocking in a corner of my mind somewhere hating myself.
I cannot take compliments well at all and rarely stand up and say “I did this” unless pushed to it. I am the first to beat myself up about things and to put myself down and I cannot believe that people like/love me because I dislike myself so much.
And that is why this is hard to write (and I am not looking or fishing for compliments). I am just going to put this out there and then go back to my rocking corner.
There is one positive that is coming out of all this. One massive positive and that is, for the first time since I was about 8 I actually think that I am actually ok.
What started off as a purely selfish move by opening up the cyber cafe 3 weeks ago to escape the dread and fear of my timeline reality has turned into a place where new friendships are being forged, people are being helped – sometimes by me and sometimes by others – and people are finding some solace away from the current world we live in.
And I started that. I started the daft daily dose things and some days they are swamped, others not so much but I keep trying and mostly it helps.
The quizzes, the bingo, the support group
… It may only be a handful that come and do them but they all need the same as me…somewhere to escape from the real world to….and I did that and continue to do it for two reasons….1) I need to be needed. To feel I am helping and 2) Because other people also need it at the moment.
I have had people drop me messages or send me little things to say thank you for the cyber cafe or for running Cubs or the sing song….
And I do that.
Perhaps, for a while, it is ok to allow myself a self pay on the shoulder and to say “you know what girl? You are ok”
For now I will allow myself to say “well done you!”. For now at least.
And I will continue to be inspired by my butterfly, Ellie and her mum Heather and my cyber mate Craig whose mantra I now try to live by daily.
Craig, my favourite piece of chewing gum – I promise you that I will always strive to make the rest of my life the best of my life.