Floundering

A brief recap….

Dear Daughter (DD) – 13 years old – described as a “model student” and grade-targeted for 8s and 9s. Can sometimes be stroppy and typical teenage angst occasionally creeps in but, for all general purposes, a fairly easy life with her.

Dear Son 1 (DS1) – nearly 12. Has quite a few autistic traits but, because he makes fairly good eye contact won’t be diagnosed. Also showing signs of highly masked ADHD with all its traits – immaturity, distraction, lack of anger management ability, intelligent. A bright lad.

Dear Son 2 (DS2) – 9 years old – Diagnosed with ADHD and responding well to medication. Fairly placid just a live wire – especially in the evenings. He is also struggling to sleep at night making him look tired and drawn throughout the day.

Dear Son 3 (DS3) – 4 years old – bounces the walls on a regular basis, laughs if you tell him off, can be quite aggressive towards others, loud, squeally and struggling to get the concept of going to the bathroom for his number 2s.

Today my struggle is with DS1. We had a letter yesterday from paeds suggesting that he may “just be a young man with a high sense of self esteem that is causing him problems and, unless they hear differently from his school, they will discharge him”. This knocked me for six as the psych evaluation he had done suggested ADHD was quite prevalent and the SENCO at his school is actively supporting us and his teachers to support him with traits if both ASD and ADHD.

I emailed his SENCO yesterday with my head in a complete whirr because my biggest fear is that, again, we get left as a family to deal with his aggression and complete shut down when it comes to making any effort for anything. She was, as always amazing and immediately put my mind at rest regarding how she will help support us BUT that is such a long way off – especially with lock down.

In the meantime – every day we have the same battle. His lack of motivation to do ANYTHING except play on a device. It doesn’t matter what game – he was even caught playing that ruddy dinosaur game that Google puts out when they are offline! It is just the idea of being in front of a screen playing that obsesses him.

His (and DD’s)  school has set them an Easter challenge which involves doing a variety of different fairly fun activities (for the main) and I thought that, to save me the energy of having to set up two logs that they could do it together – to eliminate the competition between him and his sister.

Great idea he says – I can do that….until the point that it actually involves some work.

One of the tasks is create a board game so, enthusiastically he suggests a mine craft style game (he is OBSESSED with that bloody game!) and, against hubby’s better judgement, they started creating the board game. Great! Enthused, full of ideas, and….. bam – as soon as there is any work involved DS1 is doing everything he can to not do anything which has left DD and Hubby creating the game on their own. Suffice it to say DS1 will not be getting any credit towards the game as, in my mind, that is just piggy backing the effort and input from everyone else whilst doing nothing himself.

It is this way with EVERYTHING we do – always – and we are constantly regurgitating the same conversation with him. He is a bright, intelligent, very capable young man who is just lazy more often than not. And I know we aren’t ‘supposed’ to use this terminology as “it is damaging to his mental health” but it is the truth. I have had armchair experts telling me that he simply isn’t engaged – find something or some way to engage him – well we have tried, we have adapted, we have amended but there comes a point where you have to say “actually it is laziness!”

I just feel like this is a battle I am losing rapidly and it hurts so much that I cannot find a way through to him. 😥

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